Kind of in anxious anticipation of visiting my Mother quite soon. It is so easy for me to get caught up in a childhood dynamic when I am with her. Needless to say, we still don’t have an easy relationship.
I feel that whatever I give her in terms of attention and time is:
Spending time with her or sometimes even talking on the phone leaves me exhausted. Like she is sucking some of the life energy out of me.
Its is difficult for me to be authentic around her as I am busy guarding myself against eventual criticisms or intruding on my boundaries.
And then I feel guilty even thinking like that because she is after all MY MOTHER! The one who has raised me.
I know that naming all this is the first step of breaking that cycle but sometime I get very frustrated with the process.
I can also take it further and look at the underlying beliefs this pattern with my Mother brings up:
- I am not enough
- My Mother’s needs are more important than mine
And explore how these negative beliefs play out in my daily life. E.g. “When do I put others’ needs before my own?”
What I am grateful for today:
- Being able to name what’s going on for me
- The sun outside my window
- Having the day ahead to myself