Back from my yoga training in Bali and feeling my way into being home again. It’s cold and I miss the the sunshine and my daily yoga and meditation schedule as well as being around like-minded yogis. I notice my resistance to just “being with what is”. I detect a pattern that is geared towards procrastination. I spend a lot of time in front of the computer doing “so called research” and being on facebook so I don’t have to face my feelings of dread and not knowing. Part of my going away was the hope that I would return with more clarity:
- Do I want to become a yoga-teacher?
- do I want to work as a counsellor?
- Shall I present workshops?
- What are my next steps going to be?
And the honest answer is: I STILL DON’T KNOW! – So I will start with baby steps and staying with what I know.
- I know that YOGA is good for me, so I have started a home practice. A very short sequence of slow sun salutations, followed by a few minutes of seated meditation. That’s all I can commit to right now.
- The other thing I want to do inspired by Nicole Cody’s gratitude blog: http://cauldronsandcupcakes.com/2012/07/25/day-8-gratitude-challenge/ is to write each day at least 3 things I am grateful for.
As I am writing this I hear my inner critic going: “That’s all, that’s nothing. Look at other people they are doing so much more and have a family as well and a full-time job!” Well, indeed that’s other people, but I have to stay with what is true for me. This is very new to me. I am used to “if I just work harder, I can get there”, wherever “THERE” is. But what I really have to learn is “letting go” and surrendering to what is.
“The next time you lose heart and you can’t bear to experience what you are feeling, you might recall this instruction: change the way you see it and lean in. That’s basically the instruction that Dzigar Kongtrul gave me. And now I pass it on to you. Instead of blaming our discomfort on outer circumstances or on our own weakness, we can choose to stay present and awake to our experience, not rejecting it, not grasping it, not buying the stories that we relentlessly tell ourselves. This is priceless advice that addresses the true cause of suffering- yours, mine and that of all living beings.” (Taking The Leap, Pema Chodron)
What I am grateful for today:
- My yoga and meditation practice in the morning
- My body’s ableness
- That I have started this blog
- My brekkie of home-made bircher muesli with raspberries and almonds